The mess I made

Parachute is a great band. There is a song called "The mess I made" and I've decided that it describes my life quite perfectly. My life isn't even close to what I thought it would be like. Do you ever look at the life that you have lived so far and you realize that every heartache that you've ever had is your fault? I'm just sitting here on my bed wondering if I can sleep. I'm reflecting back on my not too extensive love life (or the lack thereof). I've come to realize that I have had some good guys interested in me and I probably could have been married by now if I wasn't so guarded. Seriously, everytime that a good guy shows any sort of interest me, I promptly do a 180 and then sprint away. Not because he isn't cute or funny or amazing, but because I'm scared. I'm scared of getting my heart broken whether it is now, a year from now, or ten years from now. I've seen the damage that a broken heart can do to a person and I seriously don't think that I'm strong enough for it. So instead of trying to face my fears like a big girl I go run and hide and put up more walls. I put walls up so that I don't get hurt, but the walls are the only things in my life that have hurt me. They keep me isolated and completely alone. Irony is a bad word. I think its time to change that. I'm tired of being alone.