The mess I made

Parachute is a great band. There is a song called "The mess I made" and I've decided that it describes my life quite perfectly. My life isn't even close to what I thought it would be like. Do you ever look at the life that you have lived so far and you realize that every heartache that you've ever had is your fault? I'm just sitting here on my bed wondering if I can sleep. I'm reflecting back on my not too extensive love life (or the lack thereof). I've come to realize that I have had some good guys interested in me and I probably could have been married by now if I wasn't so guarded. Seriously, everytime that a good guy shows any sort of interest me, I promptly do a 180 and then sprint away. Not because he isn't cute or funny or amazing, but because I'm scared. I'm scared of getting my heart broken whether it is now, a year from now, or ten years from now. I've seen the damage that a broken heart can do to a person and I seriously don't think that I'm strong enough for it. So instead of trying to face my fears like a big girl I go run and hide and put up more walls. I put walls up so that I don't get hurt, but the walls are the only things in my life that have hurt me. They keep me isolated and completely alone. Irony is a bad word. I think its time to change that. I'm tired of being alone.

PMS...

As if being a girl isn't hard enough lets add periods x6. Love my roommates and we don't ever have massive hissy-fits but we sure do have crying parties. The most recent (ended 20 minutes ago) was with Lizzie. We watched The Notebook- her first time seeing it. We both bawled like little girls and now our hearts hurt. Don't know why we insist on doing these kinds of things to ourselves but apparently we never learn. Oh well. Still love that movie. Love you too Elizabeth!

Oh Michael...

Its official, I'm going to marry Michael Buble. I'm just sitting here listening to his music. Everything makes me smile no matter what kind of mood I'm in and no matter whats going on it always puts me in a good mood. Feelin Good is aptly named:) Cry Me a River, I don't know how many times I've wanted to say this to so many people and he just tells everyone. Home- I can relate, there truly is no place in the world like home and the people that you love so much. Haven't met you yet? Um, ya. No need to explain how that is applicable to me. Fever? Why yes Mr. Buble you do give me fever... And I guess it would be ok if he sang me to sleep every night for forever.

Its Time

I think its time. Time to accentuate the positive. Time to stop seeing only negative things about everything. Time to open up. Its just time.

...

Is hard seeing everyone around you changing and doing things with their lives- getting married, going on missions, graduating from school, going to school (take your pick). Especially when life has come to a slight hault. I was planning on going to school in January, but there is this little thing that I don't have... They claim that it can't make you happy, but it makes life a lot easier when you have it. Thats right- money. Its a neccesary thing that I just don't have right now. So I won't go to school until August now. Trust me I would love to go to school and get it over with but it just isn't something that I can afford right now.

My friend and roommate Nichole is practically engaged. She is all sorts of ooey-gooey about this boy but she is moving home to save money. Which means- we are getting a new roommate and the only thing that I know about this new girl is that she is asian. I don't know why but I kind of have this irrational fear of asians and now I will be living with one... I credit this fear to my previous roommate Molly, and it seems that even though she is gone that fear has stayed with all of us. This should be interesting- for lack of a better vocabulary. I should work on that.

Here it is

You would think that since I haven't posted anything to my blog in forever that I would have something to say. The sad thing is that there really isn't anything new in my life. Lets try to recap what has happened for the last little while. So I decided that I didn't want to go to BYU anymore. I dropped my classes and then sold my books. Honestly it was one of the best decisions that I have made. I truly think that I was supposed to go to move to Provo and go to BYU. I have learned and grown in more ways than I can think. But I know that I don't want to be at BYU anymore, and that is a good thing since I dropped out. I'm going to be an Esthetician! I'm going to a school in American Fork called Mandalyn in January and I'm really excited. Side note- saturday night, watching The Office, doing this, and my roommate is snoring- just saying. Anyway, back to the story. If anyone wants to be a model for waxing, treatments, manicures, and pedicures just let me know! I will need plenty of people very soon! Its going to be great! For the first time in a long time I feel like this is right and I'm excited for this. What else is new? I'm working at Ancestry.com- thats new. Oh one small thing that I was pretty excited about... Time for a change:)

I just need somebody to love

Judge me all you want to, but I have been wanting to see the Justin Bieber movie for forever! So I finally went and saw it- it was wonderful. Pretty sure that my favorite part was all of the girls sobbing uncontrollably at his concerts. I can't help it, ok. I love his music and he is just adorable. No one believed that he could do it and he proved them all wrong. Within about a year of coming onto the scene he got to perform at Madison Square Garden and tickects were sold out in 20 minutes. Just because the majority of the world is jealous that they don't have natural talent and aren't that successful doesn't give you the right to hate on JB! I have a wonderful feeling that Justin Bieber will be around for a long time and he is going to stay normal and not not freak out like other ridiculous teen stars.